his is the transcript for the 2001 film,
Shrek.
Transcript
A ray of light shines down on a leather-bound storybook. The book opens and a voice begins reading its text:
SHREK: Once upon a time there was a
lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible
fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower. For
her true love and true love's first kiss.
The voice laughs. A big, green hand rips out a page of the book and shuts it closed.
SHREK: Like that's ever gonna happen. What a load of -
We see an outhouse and hear the sound of a toilet flushing. Out steps
SHREK, an ogre, who tugs at his underwear and shakes his foot of the page still stuck to his shoe. He looks lovingly at the
swamp he calls home, and goes about his daily routine. This includes taking a mud shower, brushing his teeth with bugs, bathing in a muddy pond, gathering giant slugs for dinner, and painting a warning sign.
In a
nearby village, an
angry mob gather up to go after Shrek. At night they gather their torches and pitchforks and enter the swamp, trampling over Shrek's warning signs. Shrek sees them after investigating the commotion, rolling his eyes. The villagers stop outside Shrek's home, unaware that Shrek is sneaking up behind them.
NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME
VILLAGER 1: Think it's in there?
VILLAGER 2: All right. Let's get it!
VILLAGER 1: Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?
VILLAGER 3: Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread.
Shrek chuckles, revealing himself to be standing behind the mob.
SHREK: Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant.
The mob gasp.
SHREK: Now, ogres, oh they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin...
Shrek slowly approaches as the villagers back away in fear.
VILLAGERS: No!
SHREK: They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast.
VILLAGER 1: Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!
The villager waves his torch in Shrek's face. Shrek casually licks his fingers and pinches the flame, extinguishing the torch. The villager drops it.
VILLAGER 1: Right...
Shrek terrifies the mob with a great frightening roar, his spit extinguishing all the remaining torches. He wipes his mouth and waits for the villagers to stop screaming.
SHREK: (Whispering) This is the part where you run away.
ALL: (Screaming!!!)
Shrek laughs as the men drop their torches and pitchforks and run away as fast they can.
SHREK: And stay out!
He looks down and picks up a wanted poster dropped by one of the villagers. He reads it aloud.
SHREK: "Wanted. Fairytale creatures"?
He sighs and walks off. dropping the poster to the ground.
THE NEXT DAY - FOREST
Fairy tale creatures are put in chains and led into wagons by
Duloc Guards. The
Captain of the Duloc Guards sits at a table paying a line of people their rewards for turning in the fairytale creatures. Those waiting in line include
Peter Pan, who is carrying
Tinkerbell in a cage,
Geppetto who is carrying
Pinocchio, and a farmer carrying the
Three Little Pigs.
GUARD: All right. This one's full. Take it away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!
THE CAPTAIN: Next!
GUARD: (Taking the
witch's broom) Give me that! Your flying days are over. (breaks the broom in half)
THE CAPTAIN: That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!
The captain hands over the reward to the villager who turned the witch in. The villager mutters to himself.
VILLAGER: Lousy twenty pieces...
GUARD: Get up! Come on!
Waiting in line is
Donkey on a leash and his owner. He looks in horror at the witch and a group of dwarves being loaded into a wagon.
GUARD: Sit down there! Be quiet!
Mama Bear and
Papa Bear are locked inside giant cages, with
Little Bear in his own cage.
LITTLE BEAR: (crying) This cage is too small.
DONKEY: (To his owner) Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance!
OLD WOMAN: Oh, shut up. (Smacks Donkey)
DONKEY: Oh!
THE CAPTAIN: Next! What have you got?
GEPPETTO: This little wooden puppet.
PINOCCHIO: I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his nose grows)
THE CAPTAIN: Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.
PINOCCHIO: Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me!
Geppetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up to the table.
THE CAPTAIN: Next! What have you got?
OLD WOMAN: Well, I've got a talking donkey.
THE CAPTAIN: Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.
OLD WOMAN: Oh, go ahead, little fella. (Donkey stays silent).
THE CAPTAIN: Well?..
OLD WOMAN: Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. (Smacks Donkey again) Talk, you boneheaded dolt, talk!
THE CAPTAIN: That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!
OLD WOMAN: No, no, he talks! He does. (Moving Donkey's lips) I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talking-est damn thing you ever saw.
THE CAPTAIN: Get her out of my sight.
OLD WOMAN: No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!
The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled with fairy dust and starts floating upwards.
DONKEY: Hey! I can fly!
PETER PAN: He can fly!
THREE LITTLE PIGS: He can fly!
THE CAPTAIN: He can talk?!
DONKEY: Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! (The pixie dust's effects begin to wear off) Uh-oh. (He drops out of the air and hits the ground with a thud.)
THE CAPTAIN: Seize him!
Donkey dodges the guards as they try to grab him and runs deeper into the forest.
GUARDS: He's getting away! Get him! This way! Turn!
Donkey escapes deeper into the forest and runs head first into Shrek's backside. Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him and glares down at Donkey. Donkey looks scared of Shrek for a moment, but he quickly hides behind him after seeing that the guards have caught up to him.
THE CAPTAIN: You there. Ogre!
SHREK: Aye?
THE CAPTAIN: By the order of
Lord Farquaad, I am authorized to place you both under arrest and...(Shrek slowly approaches the group of guards, the guards visibly frightened by him) transport you to... a designated...resettlement...facility?
SHREK: Oh, really? You and what army? (Smiles)
The Captain looks behind himself and sees that all the other guards have abandoned him. The Captain tucks tail and runs off. Shrek shakes his head and starts walking back to his swamp. Donkey, impressed by Shrek, follows him.
DONKEY: Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!
SHREK: Are you talkin' to...(he turns around and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back around and Donkey is right in front of him.) Whoa!
DONKEY: Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back there? Man those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.
SHREK: (Annoyed) Oh, that's great. Really.
DONKEY: Man, it's good to be free.
SHREK: Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?
DONKEY: But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're a mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.
Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before loudly roaring in is face.
DONKEY: Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause your breath stinks!
Shrek walks off. Donkey reappears ahead of him, dangling from a felled log.
DONKEY: Man, you almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey continues to talk, so Shrek removes his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases leaking out of my butt that day.
SHREK: Why are you following me?
DONKEY: I'll tell you why. (Drops from the log. Singing) "'Cause I'm all alone, There's no one here beside me, My problems have all gone, There's no one to deride me, But you gotta have friends..."
SHREK: Stop singing! (Picks up Donkey by his ears and tail) It's no wonder you don't have any friends (drops him).
DONKEY: Wow. Only a true friend would be that truly honest.
SHREK: Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?
DONKEY: (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh...really tall?
SHREK: No! I'm an ogre! You know, "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?
DONKEY: (Shakes his head) Nope.
SHREK: (Surprised) Really?
DONKEY: Really, really.
SHREK: Oh.
DONKEY: Man, I like you. What's your name?
SHREK: Uh, Shrek.
DONKEY: Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of "I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me" thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You're all right. (They come over a hill overlooking Shrek's home.) Woo, look at that! Who'd want to live in place like that?
SHREK: (Annoyed) That would be my home.
DONKEY: Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. (Looks at Shrek's "keep out" signs) I guess you don't entertain much, do you?
SHREK: I like my privacy.
DONKEY: You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You're trying to give them a hint and they won't leave. And there's that big awkward silence you know? (awkward silence) Can I stay with you?
SHREK: Uh, what?
DONKEY: Can I stay with you, please?
SHREK: (sarcastically) Of course!
DONKEY: Really?
SHREK: No.
DONKEY: Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. (Donkey pushes Shrek up against the door) Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!
SHREK: Okay! Okay! But one night only.
DONKEY: Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the hut)
SHREK: Ah! What are you...no! (Donkey hops up onto a chair.) No!
DONKEY: This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin'... I'm makin' waffles.
SHREK: (Groans in frustration)
DONKEY: Where do, uh, I sleep?
SHREK: (irritated) Outside!
DONKEY: Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek slams the door, shutting Donkey outside) I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's no one here beside me...
SHREK'S HOME - NIGHT
Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits down, lights a candle made out of his own earwax, and begins eating. Donkey looks inside from a window, and then lays down by the front door. Shrek is about to take a bite when he hears a creaking noise. He stands up with a huff.
SHREK: (to Donkey) I thought I told you to stay outside!
DONKEY: (from the window) I am outside!
Shrek hears a noise from inside and turns to find the source. He sees several shadows moving and looks around. He sees the
Three Blind Mice on his table.
MOUSE 1: Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have?
MOUSE 2: It's not home, but it'll do just fine.
GORDER: (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed.
SHREK Got ya. (Grabs Gorder, but he escapes and lands on his shoulder.)
GORDER: I found some cheese. (bites into Shrek's ear)
SHREK: Ow! (tries to grab him)
GORDER: Blah! Awful stuff. (jumps down to the table)
BLIND MOUSE: Is that you, Gorder?
GORDER: How did you know?
SHREK: Enough! (he grabs all three mice) What are you doing in my house? (He gets bumped from behind and he drops the mice.) Hey!
Shrek turns around and sees that the
Seven Dwarves have put
Snow White, sleeping in her glass coffin, on the table.
SHREK: Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table! (pushes the coffin away)
DWARF: Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.
SHREK: Huh?
Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain. The
Big Bad Wolf is laying in the bed.
BIG BAD WOLF: What?
Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging him to the front door.
SHREK: I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy?
He opens the front door and throws the Wolf out. He sees that a horde of fairytale creatures have set up camp in his swamp.
SHREK: Oh, no. No! No! (He dodges out the way of a group of witches flying on broomsticks)
The Three Bears (minus Mama Bear) sit around the fire, the
Pied Piper is playing his pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc.
SHREK: What are you doing in my swamp?!!
Shrek's voice echoes throughout the camp and everyone falls silent. Gasps are heard all around. The
Three Good Fairies hide inside a tent.
SHREK: All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!
DWARVES: Hey! Quickly. Come on!
More dwarves run inside the house and shut the door behind them.
SHREK: No, no! No, no. Not there! Not there!
Shrek fiddles with the door handle, unable to open it. He gives Donkey an annoyed look.
DONKEY: Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.
PINOCCHIO: Well gosh, no one invited us.
SHREK: What?!
PINOCCHIO: We were forced to come here!
SHREK: By who?!
LITTLE PIG: Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed and he...signed an eviction notice.
SHREK: (Sighs) Alright. Who knows where this... "Farquaad" guy is?
The crowd gasps at the mention of Lord Farquaad. No one answers.
DONKEY: Oh, I do. I know where he is!
SHREK: Does anyone else know where to find him?
Baby Bear raises his hand but Papa Bear quickly lowers his hand down. The Big Bad Wolf and a wizard point at each other.
SHREK: Anyone at all?
DONKEY: Me! Me!
SHREK: Anyone?
DONKEY: (Jumping up and down) Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!
SHREK: (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention all...fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable! Your welcome is officially worn out! In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!
After a brief silence, the crowd erupts into cheering and applause. This was not Shrek's intention. A group of birds drapes a cloak made of flowers around Shrek's shoulders, much to his annoyance.
SHREK: Oh! (to Donkey) You! You're comin' with me.
Shrek brushes the cloak onto the floor, while the birds come back to place a wreath of flowers on Donkey's head. They make their through the crowd.
DONKEY: All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!
DONKEY: (singing) "On the road again...", sing it with me, Shrek!
As they walk away from the crowd Shrek grabs the torch from a dwarf cheering them on, who refuses to let go. Shrek shakes the torch until the dwarf falls into a pond.
DONKEY: "I can't wait to get on the road again."
SHREK: What did I say about singing? (yanks the wreath off Donkey's head)
DONKEY: Can I whistle?
SHREK: No.
DONKEY: Can I hum it?
SHREK: All right, hum it.
Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'. The pair walk off into the night with Shrek's torch lighting the way.
DULOC - DUNGEON
A masked man is pouring a glass of milk. Another man is shown walking down the hallway towards a set of doors. As he is let into the room by two guards, we can see that the man is abnormally short. The masked man is dunking what looks to be a small person into the glass of milk.
FARQUAAD: (stepping forward) That's enough. He's ready to talk.
The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk by
Thelonious and is slammed down onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad manically laughs as he walks over to the table. When he reaches the table we see that he is too short to see above it. He clears his throat and the table is lowered.
FARQUAAD: (he picks up the Gingy's severed legs and plays with them) Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!
GINGY: You're a monster!
FARQUAAD: I'm not the monster here, you are. (throws one leg at Gingy) You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world (crumbles his other leg into dust). Now, tell me! Where are the others?!
GINGY: Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's eye.)
FARQUAAD: I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll...(he grabs one of Gingy's gumdrop buttons)
GINGY: No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons!
FARQUAAD: All right then. Who's hiding them?
GINGY: Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?
FARQUAAD: The muffin man?
GINGERBREAD MAN: The muffin man.
FARQUAAD: Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on
Drury Lane?
GINGERBREAD MAN: Well, she's married to the muffin man.
FARQUAAD: (Shocked) The muffin man?
GINGERBREAD MAN: The muffin man!
FARQUAAD: She's married to the muffin man...
A door opens and the Captain of the Duloc Guards steps in.
CAPTAIN: My lord! We've found it.
FARQUAAD: Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in!
More guards enter carrying an object covered by a sheet. They mount it on the wall and the Captain removes the sheet. It is the
Magic Mirror. Everyone stands in awe.
GINGERBREAD MAN: Ohhhh...
FARQUAAD: Magic mirror...
GINGERBREAD MAN: Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad smacks him off the table and a trash can. ) No!
FARQUAAD: Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?
MIRROR: Well, technically you're not a king.
FARQUAAD: Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a hand mirror and smashes it with his fist.) You were saying?
MIRROR: What I mean is you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.
FARQUAAD: Go on.
MIRROR: (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And...here they are!
Bouncy gameshow music begins to play. Using himself as a screen, the Magic Mirror reveals three shadowy portraits of princesses. Farquaad seems confused but watches on silently.
MIRROR: Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime! Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome...
Cinderella!
An image of Cinderella doing housework flips to a portrait of Cinderella in her ball gown putting on the glass slipper. Farquaad looks at her approvingly and the Captain claps.
MIRROR: Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy.
An image of the Seven Dwarves flashes on the screen. The guards laugh at the Mirror's joke.
MIRROR: Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is.! Come on, give it up for Snow White!
The mirror shows a portrait of Snow White in her slumber. Farquaad seems even more pleased, and everyone else claps this time.
MIRROR: And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a
dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava!
The mirror shows an image of a giant dragon besides a tower and then of a giant castle surrounded by lava. A bright fire shines on the screen and Farquaad covers his eyes. This doesn't seem to deter his interest.
MIRROR: But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes piña coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing,
Princess Fiona!
The mirror shows a portrait of Princess Fiona leaning on the window of her tower. Once again everyone else claps.
MIRROR: So, will it be: bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two, or bachelorette number three?
The mirrors flips through each princesses' portrait. The guards shout out different numbers while Farquaad frantically tries to decide.
GUARDS: Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!
FARQUAAD: (To himself) Two? Three? One? Three?
THELONIUS: Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number three, my lord!
FARQUAAD: Okay, okay, uh... number three!
MIRROR: Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.
Wild applause erupts from the guards. Farquaad is captivated by the portrait of Fiona.
FARQUAAD: Princess...Fiona...she's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go...
MIRROR: But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.
Farquaad doesn't listen to the mirror at all, too busy formulating a plan.
FARQUAAD: I'll do it.
MIRROR: Yes, but after sunset...
FARQUAAD: Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and
Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament! (smiles evilly)
DULOC KINGDOM - EXTERIOR
Shrek and Donkey come out of the field just outside the Duloc parking lot.
DONKEY: But that's it. That's it right there. That's Duloc. I told ya I'd find it.
The two gaze up at
Duloc Castle, a building that towers over the rest of the kingdom.
SHREK: So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.
DONKEY: Uh-huh. That's the place.
SHREK: Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?
Shrek laughs, but then groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke. He continues walking through the parking lot.
DONKEY: Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.
MAN: Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry!
A man and woman run through the castle's entrance. In front of the gate is a series of ropes hung in a maze for crowd control.
A mascot wearing a giant head resembling Farquaad stands at the end of the line. Shrek and Donkey exchange looks.
SHREK: Hey, you!
The mascot screams at the sight of Shrek and begins running through the roped path to get to the front gate.
SHREK: Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just-- I just --
Shrek sighs in frustration and then begins pushing his way through the ropes. The mascot runs into a wall and knocks himself out. Shrek pushes through the entrance's turnstile, but Donkey gets caught in it and lands on the ground with a thud. Donkey sheepishly smiles and Shrek sighs in annoyance.
DULOC - INTERIOR
Shrek and Donkey look around the square, which is deserted. The trees and grass are neatly cut and the rows of houses all looked exactly the same. Chirpy music quietly plays from a set of loudspeakers.
SHREK: It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?
DONKEY: Hey, look at this!
Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin to sing.
WOODEN PEOPLE: Welcome to Duloc such a perfect town / Here we have some rules let us lay them down / Don't make waves, stay in line and we'll get along fine / Duloc is perfect place / Please keep off of the grass / Shine your shoes, wipe your... face / Duloc is, Duloc is / Duloc is perfect place.
Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture, both of which are dumbfounded.
DONKEY: Wow! Let's do that again!
Donkey makes ready to run over and pull the lever again but Shrek quickly grabs him by the tail.
SHREK: No. No. No, no, no!...No.
They hear a trumpet fanfare from afar and head over to investigate. A voice sounds from the distance.
FARQUAAD: Brave knights! You are the best and brightest in all the land, and today one of you shall prove himself better and brighter than all the rest.
As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena, Donkey hums the Duloc theme song.
SHREK: All right, you're going the right way for a smacked bottom.
DONKEY: Sorry about that.
ARENA
In the center of a stadium-like arena,
Duloc Knights are gathered as a large crowd of citizens watches on from the stands. Horses, kegs of beer, arrow targets, and other equipment are scattered about. Farquaad is atop a high up balcony, flanked by two guards, addressing the crowd. Shrek and Donkey step out onto the arena but don't seem to be noticed.
FARQUAAD: That champion shall have the honor-- no, no -- the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place. And so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.
The crowd cheers and applauds. Shrek looks around, noticing a man holding up a cue card up to the crowd that reads "APPLAUSE".
FARQUAAD: Let the tournament begin!
Shrek marches through the Duloc Knights, who back away in disgust upon noticing him.
FARQUAAD: Oh! What is that? It's hideous!
The crowd gasps and goes quiet.
SHREK: Ah, that's not very nice (Looks at Donkey and then back at Farquaad). It's just a donkey
Donkey looks confused, the joke is once again lost on him.
FARQUAAD: Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have at him!
Farquaad points at Shrek. The Duloc Knights draw their weapons and slowly approach Shrek as he backs up, the crowd cheering them on.
CROWD: Get him!
SHREK: Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (He bumps into a table, noticing mugs of beer)
CROWD: Go ahead! Get him!
SHREK: (holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just settle this over a pint?
CROWD: Kill the beast!
SHREK: No? All right then. (drinks the mug in one gulp) Come on!
Shrek takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out, knocking the knights down and wetting the ground into mud. Shrek slides past the knights and uses a spear like a hockey stick to knock one of his feet. Donkey hops up onto one of the larger beer barrels. It breaks free of its ropes and begins to roll. Donkey manages to squish two knights into the mud and rolls over another group of knights running after Shrek. Shrek hops over a set of ropes that appears to make up a wrestling ring. Shrek uses the ropes to launch himself at two knights, knocking them over with his arms. The crowd boos. Shrek jump kicks a knight, and then body slams another. A knight comes from behind Shrek with his spear ready to attack. The crowd gasps, but before he can make a move Shrek puts him in a full-nelson hold.
DONKEY: Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!
Shrek brings the knight over to Donkey, who leans on the ropes and headbutts the knight. Shrek gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd, who have now begun to cheer for Shrek and Donkey. Shrek stands on top of the ropes and beckons on the crowd's cheers.
SHREK: Yeah!
A knight tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but he turns in time to sees him and jumps on him.
WOMAN: The chair! Give him the chair!
Shrek uses a folding chair to smack the knight lying on the ground. Shrek dispatches a few more knights with ease. Shrek picks up the last knight, spinning him over his head and then throwing him against the post of the wrestling ring. Donkey kicks his helmet, and the ding sounds the end of the match. Finally all the knights are down. The audience goes wild.
SHREK: Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs)
Farquaad motions to the guards, who aim their crossbows at Shrek and Donkey. The crowd gasps and goes silent. Shrek stops laughing.
GUARD: Shall I give the order, sir?
FARQUAAD: No, I have a better idea. People of Duloc! I give you our champion!
The crowd cheers and a fanfare plays.
SHREK: What?
FARQUAAD: Congratulations, ogre. You've won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.
SHREK: Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp back.
FARQUAAD:
Your swamp?
SHREK: Yeah,
my swamp! Where
you dumped those fairy tale creatures!
FARQUAAD: Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.
SHREK: Exactly the way it was?
FARQUAAD: Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.
SHREK: And the squatters?
FARQUAAD: As good as gone.
Shrek glances at the soldiers still aiming their crossbows and then turns back to Farquaad
SHREK: What kind of quest?
DULOC - EXTERIOR
Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the fields heading away from Duloc. Shrek is munching on an onion.
DONKEY: Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right?
SHREK: You know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.
DONKEY: I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip.
SHREK: Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?
DONKEY: Uh, no, not really, no.
SHREK: For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think.
DONKEY: Example?
SHREK: Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. (he holds out his onion)
DONKEY: (sniffs the onion) They stink?
SHREK: Yes - - No!
DONKEY: They make you cry?
SHREK: No!
DONKEY: Oh, you leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.
SHREK: No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. (he throws away the onion and walks off)
DONKEY: (trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.
SHREK: I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. (Walks passed Donkey)
DONKEY: You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.
SHREK: (Yelling) No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.
DONKEY: Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.
SHREK: You know, I think I preferred your humming.
DONKEY: Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait makes me start slobbering.
They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek burns his foot trying to stomp out the campfire, so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out. They arrive at the outskirts of a giant volcano and begin to make their way up.
DONKEY: (sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that? You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything.
SHREK: Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We must be getting close.
DONKEY: Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.
They reach the top of the climb and hoist themselves up and over the ridge.
DRAGON'S KEEP - EXTERIOR
Shrek and Donkey gaze out into the crater. The Dragon's Keep towered before them, a dilapidated castle, burned and blackened. Perched on a rock pinnacle, it was surrounded by a terrifying lake of molten lava. A single light shines in the window of the tallest tower. Dark clouds block out the blue sky above them. Thunder strikes and crows circling the castle can be heard. Its all very ominous.
SHREK: Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. (laughs)
Shrek jumps over and approaches the bridge, with Donkey joining in behind him.
DONKEY: (chuckes along nervously) Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said that ogres have layers?
SHREK: Oh, aye.
DONKEY: Well, I have a bit of a confession to make (Gasps, seeing the skeleton of a horse). Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.
SHREK: Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.
DONKEY: You know what I mean.
SHREK: Oh you can't tell me you're afraid of heights.
DONKEY: No, I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling lake of lava!
SHREK: Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support. We'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. DONKEY: Really?
SHREK: Really, really.
DONKEY: Okay, that makes me feel so much better.
SHREK: Just keep moving. And don't look down.
DONKEY: (Nervously to himself) Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down.
Donkey steps through a rotting board, which falls down into the fiery lava below
DONKEY: Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please!
SHREK: But you're already halfway.
DONKEY: But I know that half is safe!
SHREK: Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.
Shrek tries to press on while Donkey tries to make his way back under Shrek.
DONKEY: Shrek, no! Wait!
SHREK: Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me? (bounces and sways the bridge)
DONKEY: Don't do that!
SHREK: Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces the bridge again)
DONKEY: Yes, that!
SHREK: Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across the bridge)
DONKEY: No, Shrek! No! Stop it!
SHREK: You said do it! I'm doin' it.
DONKEY: I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground) Oh!
SHREK: That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks towards the castle)
DONKEY: Cool. So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?
SHREK: Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. (chuckles)
DONKEY: I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.
DRAGON'S KEEP - INTERIOR
The pair start making their way through the hallways of the dragon's dark and spooky keep. Shrek is wary, while Donkey is downright terrified. Only an occasional torch lights the way. The passages are littered with bones, armor, and weapons, presumably belonging to the many unsuccessful
knights who tried to rescue the princess.
DONKEY: You afraid?
SHREK: No. But...SHHHHHH. (Shushes Donkey)
DONKEY: Oh, good. Me neither. (Get spooked and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire. It sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.
Donkey crashes into a pile of
knight remains, knocking over a skeleton whose helmet lands on Donkey's head. The skeleton head falls off and Donkey gasps.
SHREK: Donkey, two things, okay? Shut. Up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs (Grabs the helmet and puts it on).
DONKEY: Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.
SHREK: (Picking up pieces of armor) The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.
DONKEY: What makes you think she'll be there?
SHREK: I read it in a book once. (walks off)
DONKEY: Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'.
Shrek, now disguised as a knight in shining armor walks off further into the castle. Donkey wanders off in the opposite direction, still talking to himself, and pushes his way through a giant set of doors.
DONKEY: I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.
Behind a broken wall, a giant eye opens to see an unaware Donkey. Elsewhere, Shrek spots a light in the window of a tower.
SHREK: Oh! At least we know where the princess is, but where's the...
DONKEY: Dragon! Ahhhhhh!
Donkey screams and takes off running, narrowly dodging the dragon's fiery breath. The dragon chases after Donkey, stomping on the pile of knight remains in its way. Shrek turns around to see Donkey barreling towards him with the dragon close behind him.
SHREK: Donkey, look out!
Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon breathes another fireball. Donkey drops to the floor to avoid another fireball, which manages to singe the tuft of his tail. The dragon is just about to eat Donkey when Shrek grabs ahold of its tail.
SHREK: Got ya!
The dragon begins to swing its tail back and forth with Shrek still holding on, then launces him into the air. Shrek crashes through the roof of the tallest tower and into Fiona's room. Fiona wakes up and looks at him lying on the floor unconscious. The dragon now focuses its attention on Donkey, breathing fire at him and forcing him onto a stone bridge. The dragon knocks down portions of the bridge until Donkey is left staying on a lone pillar.
DONKEY: No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon growls) Oh, what large teeth you have! (the dragon roars) I mean white, sparkling teeth!
The dragon pauses, looks at him inquisitively, and then smiles. Donkey might just flatter his way out of becoming dragon food.
DONKEY: I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness?
The dragon appears to be flattered by Donkey's compliments.
DONKEY: And you know what else? You know what else? You're-- You're--
The dragon leans forward and gazes at Donkey, revealing its long eyelashes and lipsticked mouth. Suddenly it was all clear to Donkey.
DONKEY: --a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty.
The dragon flutters her eyes at him.
DONKEY: What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye?
Dragon blows a heart-shaped smoke ring at Donkey.
DONKEY: Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh...(coughs) I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings and stuff. Shrek!
Dragon picks him up by the tail in her mouth and happily carries him off.
DONKEY: No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
FIONA'S TOWER - INTERIOR
Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor and brushes debris off himself. His back is to a Princess Fiona, laying upright on the bed near the window. Though a bit startled, she is ecstatic to see her knight-in-shining armor. She straightens her dress, lays back down, and then quickly reaches over for bouquet of flowers off the side table. She lays back down and pretends to be asleep, clutching the bouquet to her breast. Shrek turns, takes note of the princess and walks across the room over to her. He bends down over Fiona and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders and forcefully shakes her.
FIONA: Wha...Wha...
SHREK: Wake up!
FIONA: What?!
SHREK: Are you Princess Fiona?
FIONA: I am... (smiling) awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.
SHREK: Ah, that's nice. Now let's go!
Shrek turns to leave and Fiona quickly sits upright.
FIONA: But wait, Sir Knight! This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment?
She tosses the bouquet and lays back down, swooning.
SHREK: Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.
Shrek walks back, yanks Fiona's arm. and hauls her out of bed and towards the door.
FIONA: Hey, wait. What are you doing? You know, you should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.
Shrek yanks on the door handle only for it to snap off.
SHREK: You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?
FIONA: Mm-hmm.
Fiona screams as Shrek suddenly smashes the door down with his shoulder, still holding onto her arm. He rushes down the tower's staircase with Fiona in tow and grabs a torch.
FIONA: But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me.
DRAGON'S KEEP - INTERIOR
Shrek and Fiona cross the bridge connecting the tallest tower to the rest of the castle.
FIONA: A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!
Fiona pulls her arm from Shrek's grip. They stop for a moment as Shrek figures out which direction to go.
SHREK: I don't think so.
FIONA: Well, can I at least know the name of my champion?
SHREK: Uh, Shrek.
FIONA: Sir Shrek.
She smiles, clears her throat, and holds out a
handkerchief.
FIONA: I pray that you take this favour as a token of my gratitude.
SHREK: Thanks!
Shrek regards the handkerchief curiously and wipes off his sooty face with it, blackening it. He hands it back to an appalled Fiona, but before she can react, they are startled by the dragon's roar and she drops it to the floor.
FIONA: You didn't slay the dragon?!
SHREK: It's on my to-do list, now come on!
Shrek grabs Fiona once again and takes off running towards the direction of the dragon's roar.
FIONA: But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did!
SHREK: Yeah, right before they burst into flames!
He gestures at the skeleton of a knight laying against the wall, a charred outline of a man burned into the stone behind it.
FIONA: That's not the point! Ugh!
Fiona pulls her arm free from Shrek and stops running. Shrek pauses to look around and heads for a set of wooden doors.
FIONA: Wait--where are you going? The exit's over there!
She points her arm to her left and Shrek turns around.
SHREK: Well, I have to save my ass.
FIONA: Ugh. What kind of knight are you?
SHREK: One of a kind.
THRONE ROOM
Shrek quietly pushes open the doors, stepping out onto a balcony of large spacious room. In the center of the room, Dragon has Donkey wrapped up on her tail. Dragon sits on a floor littered with a horde of gold coins and jewels.
DONKEY: Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. Look I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just, just call me old-fashioned. I don't want to rush into a... a physical relationship. I'm not...not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this, uh - - "magnitude" really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude.
Dragon gently caresses Donkey with a single claw.
DONKEY: Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing?
Dragon looks up at the chandelier hanging above them and gently lights its candles with her fire breath.
DONKEY: Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. I mean we really should get to know each other first, you know, as friends or maybe even pen pals. Y'know cause I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards to read --
Shrek jumps off the balcony, grabbing a chain connected to the chandelier. The chain does not hang low enough for him to be able to grab Donkey and he swings over Dragon. The chain swings back and he is left dangling above her.
DONKEY: Oh y'know I'd, I'd really love to stay, but -- (Dragon tugs at Donkey's tail with her mouth)
DONKEY: Hey. hey don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission to-- hey! What are you gonna do with that?
Dragon purses her lips and gets ready to kiss Donkey. Shrek looks up and spots that the chain is jammed above him. He starts shaking it to try and relapse it from the pulley. Suddenly the pulley comes loose and Shrek starts falling.
DONKEY: Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!
Shrek lands on Donkey and bumps him out of Dragon's grasp just as she is about to kiss him, and she instead kisses Shrek's butt. She opens her eyes and roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto her head, which acts as a collar around her neck. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey take off running. They dodge a blast of fire from Dragon. Shrek grabs Donkey in one arm and then grabs Princess Fiona, who has wandered into the room, with the other arm as he runs past her.
DONKEY: Hi, Princess!
FIONA: It talks!
SHREK: Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.
They all gasp as Shrek suddenly stops, having reached the end of the balcony Shrek spots a fallen column that has formed a sort of slide. He jumps on it just as Dragon tries to bite them and slides down it. Unfortunately there is a crack in the stone and it hits Shrek right in the groin. His eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide, he groans and stumbles off. Dragon chases after them, the chain of the chandelier still unraveling. They are chased by Dragon through a large hall, her chain looping itself around multiple stone pillars as Shrek zigzags around them. Dragon ends up in front of them and breathes fire. Shrek dodges the fire and runs away, leaping over several rows of chains. He comes to a halt.
SHREK: Okay, you two, head for the exit! (setting down Donkey and Fiona) I'll take care of the dragon.
Shrek grabs a sword lodged in the floor and sticks it through a link in the chain and deep into the floor. Shrek catches up with Donkey slides down to the bottom of the volcano hill.
FIONA: You did it! You rescued me! You're amazing.
Behind her Donkey tumbles his way down the hill.
